Thomas could be talking to his pet (dog or cat)- that can be endearing.
Alternatively, you could even give him a pet. We go from a flashback to a dream sequence? Which takes a second? It might be funny to see one of the adult uncles banished to the kid's table for whatever reason.ĭid the greek leave the basement and having dinner to go out and hide a jar of money, and Rosa is watching him do it, and then we are back in the basement with everyone eating again? Thomas' envy and John questioning the copy work must be shown, not told in the description.Ī think a dream sequence within a flashback is unnecessary. You have things in the description that don't appear visually on the screen. His muscles actually explode from his shirt? You've described the Greek already as tall and muscular. I understand the urge to get everything on the page so everyone has a clear understanding, but it's bogging down the story.ĬHIHUAHUA (even dogs have to be capped when first introduced). In these opening scenes, give us only what we need to know - fill in the details later. The information about Tony and Mikey, what does this do to help us understand the characters and this story. Also, by putting us in the scene, we are getting to know Eppi at his most fragile. This man is doing something extremely painful for the woman he loves - a single photograph doesn't cut it. This can be a funny scene, but you should show this with moving pictures. I'm finding all these people and names becoming confusing. You INTRODUCED VINNY as the bartenter earlier that's where his description should have been, not later same for Joe. (not reventially) and if there are ten men why didn't this get mentioned when we first went to the basement where the men were? Thomas looks reverently as ten Italian men eat, laugh, and talk at their table. Granted, on film, we would see them, but this is being read and we need something that sets them apart. This list of names for the uncles comes by too fast and nobody, except for Bobby is distinguished from anyone else. You should revise to make the descriptions tighter and shorter. If Louie is in his 60s, i don't think you need to describe him as "an older" : LOUIE (60s),the Patriarch of the family, bows his head, says grace. Is Thomas 'narrating' this? I thought this was a 'flashback' and wouldn't he be talking in the 'present tense' since this is set in 1960 and he's a child in this flashback? If we are upstairs, how can we HEAR theme in the basement? Not have it set upstaris yet the 'thunder' of them crescendos IN THE BASEMENT. Take out "suddenly"Ĭhildren race down the stairs like a heard of buffalo. This is when we're supposed to be engaged, not reading a grocery list.Īdverbs are not our friends.
TV playing football, ping pong table, etc. This is an awful lot of description for a scene that plays very little into the actual events of the story. TAKE OUT the CONTINUED AT THE BOTTOM AND TOP OF THE PAGES (this can be done thru the formatting function at least in Final Draft I know you can control this, as well as the use of continued after dialog by the same person) The audience isn't reading this don't put in things like "soon-to-arive hot entrees.just show them coming in when they do Keep action in active: A Ping Pong table covered with tablecloths (not has been) How can MEN (cap when new characters introduced) watch from a sofa and play pool at the same time? Do you mean some MEN sit and watch the game, OTHERS play pool? (take out 'stands') VINNY (how old is he?) serves drinks to THE GREEK (age), large, tall, muscular and JOE (age), pencil mustache, thin. Italian Christmas music plays.Ī homemade bar in one corner. laughs as he goes into the hallway, opens and closes doors to.īASEMENT (the audience doesn't read the slugline so.)Ĭhristmas decorations abound. THOMAS (12), (do boys 'giggle') how about: THOMAS (12), dark. (what ages? You've not mentioned ages yet)Ī door opens. "A happy WOMAN greets them at the door" and I'd move it to a paragraph all its own.Ī MASS OF KIDS their age greet them. MOTHER and FATHER (introducing first time) THREE KIDS (do we need ages? names at all?) Cap when characters are introduced first time. How is the driveway packed? Do you mean: The driveway packed with vehicles. SUPER: New York City, 1965 (or something like that) How will the audience know this is New York city? Perhaps the super should be: Watch out for adverbs, usually ending in "ly": lazilyĪ grey sky that's "joyful"? And it's also snowing? SUPER: 1960 (or whatever year, if it is 1965 etc.) You want to start with a flashback? Why not start with this and then arrive at the present?įlashback on its only line, the slugline under it. I think the super should come in after the scene heading for the neighborhood - just my opinion.